I think there are a lot of things I keep to myself that I probably wish I could say out loud.
Not even anything crazy. Just stuff that’s hard to explain sometimes, or things I don’t know how to bring up without making it awkward.
Like when someone asks how I’m doing and I say I’m good.
Am I actually good? I don’t fucking know. 😂
Some days are good. Some days aren’t. And then there are days where nothing is really wrong, but nothing feels particularly great either. You’re just going through the day, doing your thing, and that’s about it.
And how do you even explain that to someone?
It’s not like there’s always some big reason behind how you’re feeling. Sometimes your brain is just doing its thing, and you’re along for the ride whether you like it or not.
I wish I could say everything that’s on my mind without having to think about how it’s going to sound. Without worrying that someone’s going to misunderstand me or think I’m making a bigger deal out of something than I should.
Because honestly, I do that enough to myself already.
I’ll sit there thinking about something, going over it a hundred times, convincing myself it doesn’t matter, then thinking about it again five minutes later.
It’s exhausting sometimes.
And there’s stuff I don’t say because I don’t want to feel like I’m bothering anyone. Everyone has their own shit going on, right? The last thing I want is to feel like I’m dumping all my problems on somebody.
So sometimes I just don’t say anything.
I keep it to myself and carry on like everything’s normal.
But sometimes I wish someone would ask me how I’m doing and actually mean it. Not just the usual “how are you?” that people throw into a conversation before moving on to something else.
I mean actually ask.
And sometimes I wish people would message me first. Just because they felt like talking to me. Just because I crossed their mind.
It’s such a little thing, but it can mean a lot.
I know people have busy lives. I know everyone has their own things going on. I’m not expecting someone to spend every waking minute checking on me.
I just think it’s nice to know someone thought about you without you having to remind them you exist.
And yeah, maybe that sounds a little pathetic when I put it that way, but whatever. It’s honest.
There’s also a lot of stuff I don’t talk about because I don’t always know how to explain it. Things that have happened, things that still bother me, things that probably make more sense in my head than they would coming out of my mouth.
Sometimes you think you’ve moved past something, and then something brings it back up again.
And you’re sitting there thinking, seriously? We’re still doing this?
I wish dealing with things meant you could just deal with them once and be done with them. That would be nice.
But apparently that’s not how it works.
Sometimes you can know exactly why you feel the way you do and still not know what to do about it. You can want to trust people and still have a hard time doing it. You can know you’re overthinking something and still not be able to shut your brain up.
Knowing something and actually feeling it are two completely different things.
I’m figuring that out.
I’m also trying to get better at admitting when something bothers me instead of immediately telling myself I’m being stupid.
Because I do that a lot.
Something hurts my feelings, and instead of just admitting that, I’ll start looking for reasons why it shouldn’t. Maybe I’m too sensitive. Maybe I’m overthinking. Maybe it wasn’t meant that way.
And maybe some of those things are true sometimes.
But it doesn’t mean I didn’t feel what I felt.
I’m allowed to be bothered by things. I’m allowed to have bad days. I’m allowed to not have an explanation ready every time someone asks what’s wrong.
I’m still learning that, honestly.
I think that’s why having somewhere to write all this stuff down feels good. I don’t have to explain it to anyone. I don’t have to make it sound better than it is or worry about somebody looking at me differently because of what I said.
I can just write it.
Some of it might not make sense. Some of it might contradict something I wrote last week. Some days I’ll feel one way, and the next day I’ll feel completely different.
That’s life, I guess.
I’m not trying to turn every thought into some big lesson about growing as a person. Sometimes I just want to get things out of my head without having to figure out what they mean.
And maybe someone reading this will understand exactly what I’m talking about. Maybe they won’t.
Either way, it’s here now.
These are the things I don’t always say out loud.
And honestly? It’s nice to have somewhere to put them.